Opening up
I want to bring the joy back in to my life. I have come to realise that my goals and dreams are centered around routine and dedication. I am the most fulfilled when I have structure in my life. I am unable to express myself in a coherent manner as all my hopes and dreams are tightly bound together weaving in and out of one another.
I am unsure if my inability to connect with others is part of my condition. My father’s scolding at every bad decision I made exasperated my issues. I lie in bed thinking about what could of been, how I could have done more with my life. It is with great disdain that I look back on wasted opportunities with sadness and regret. The biggest one of all being my love for the game of football. My many regrets in life can be put down to poor choices and decisions. It was a very real and sad reality living in my own skin. It was greed that drove me and was ultimately my undoing wanting everything for myself and taking drugs to feel better.
Even my not so friendly associates were forgiving of my situation until I went too far. My alcohol and drug use brought on psychological problems which I have trouble describing as I was living in an altered state of reality. I fear that I will be set upon again and the physical/psychological scars act as a reminder of a very dark time in my life. Everything was spiralling out of control so quickly that I didn’t have time to catch myself fall. Despite coming from a good family with loving parents my descent in to chaos was fast and furious fuelled by binge drinking, alcohol and late nights.
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